Log:Game 184 (Meta, no ontology)

[20:46] <&Hebizuka> *You are dead. Your life was probably complex and full of events of various kinds (such as choking on cheetos while playing video games. REAL COMPLEX.), but one thing is sure, you don't remember well what happened. As you watch your body and float upwards ("MY SOUL IS BUGGED, THIS GAME SUCKS!"), you believe you will make it to the Other world. However, instead of going ahead to the next part of your afterlife, your soul was intercepted… ("FUCKING BAD DESIGN") [20:46] <&Hebizuka> After what seemed like a long dream, you wake up, in a new body similar from the one you had before you died - you seem to be feeling perfectly fine: no wounds, no illnesses (and no cheetos stuck in the throat), this new body feels spotless and perfect. Except that where you are isn't Hell, nor Heaven, and this isn't even a new life. You feel that you simply woke up from a bad dream. In short… You feel the same as ever. (For shame.) [20:46] <&Hebizuka> You stand up and notice that you are as naked as in the first day (Eww...). Looking around you, you notice you're in a square room, with bland, gray walls made of what looks like concrete. No windows, and some kind of door ahead of you. Above you, white, fluorescent light. And hanging from the ceiling, in the corner, some sort of loudspeaker. * [20:47] <~SU_Tempest> [???] The... uh. The newcomer woke up. [20:48] * DSP chokes. Chokes again. Splutters. [20:48] <DSP> Fucking cheet- Wait, what the fuck happened to my apartment? [20:49] <DSP> Broken as shit cheetos, how do they even expect people to drink them. [20:49] <~SU_Tempest> [???] You're no longer in your apartment, Phil. Welcome to the Mazes. [20:50] <DSP> Wh- What? [20:50] <~SU_Tempest> [???] To put it shortly, you have died. That cheeto in your throat killed you, but since we thought you were, a, uh... *ahem [20:50] <DSP> What happened to my TV? [20:50] <~SU_Tempest> [???] An... interesting soul, let's say. [20:50] <DSP> WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY TV? [20:50] <~SU_Tempest> [???] Well... Your television is probably still back there. [20:50] <DSP> Fucking manufacturer never told me about that. [20:51] <DSP> Fuck. [20:51] <~SU_Tempest> [???] Anyways, to put it shortly, you died, we are giving you a chance at reincarnation. [20:51] <DSP> What? [20:52] <~SU_Tempest> [Sergey] Oh. I'm sorry. My name's Sergey Kovrov, but I may be also referred to as Game Master, or just GM. You who loves games so much, we're going to put you through one. [20:54] <~SU_Tempest> [Sergey] There are three of us with this title of GM. Our job is to keep an eye on you during your progress here... Your goal is simple, you need to find four objects called the Cardinal Amulets.- [20:54] <DSP> What? [20:55] <~SU_Tempest> [Sergey] They're scattered in this world, your task is to find them all if you want to have a chance at finding your television again. [20:55] <DSP> Oh oh I remember now, fucking fell asleep playing that new game didn't I? [20:55] <DSP> And now this cutscene won't stop. [20:55] <~SU_Tempest> [Sergey] ... No Phil. You really died. [20:55] <DSP> Talk about realism! [20:56] <&Hebizuka> *sigh* Let's just get on with it. I am Hebizuka Jinkou, another one of the GMs. Unless you'd rather go on buck naked and unarmed, I have a little personality test for you. Answer my questions, receive equipment. Sound good? [20:56] <DSP> Shut up asshole. [20:56] <&Hebizuka> I am going to take that as a "yes". [20:56] * DSP attempts to bunnyhop around the room. [20:57] <&Hebizuka> *You ATTEMPT bunny-hopping around the room. All you manage to do is tiny, pathetic jumps whose sole effect is to make your questionably-sized junk dangle between your legs.* [20:57] * DSP hits the wall. [20:57] <DSP> Ow. [20:57] <&Hebizuka> *Fortunately for no damage. This time.* [20:57] <DSP> Fucking designers fucking broken everything. [20:57] <&Hebizuka> Phil. [20:57] <&Hebizuka> The questions. [20:58] <&Hebizuka> The equipment includes guns. [20:58] <&Hebizuka> If that's any motivation. [20:58] <DSP> Oh it's about time. [20:59] <&Hebizuka> There we go. [20:59] <&Hebizuka> You'll like this test, I'm sure. [20:59] <&Hebizuka> Question 1: Which one of those styles do you like the most? [20:59] <&Hebizuka> A) The action hero [20:59] <&Hebizuka> B) The laidback sniper [20:59] <&Hebizuka> C) The rogue cop [20:59] <&Hebizuka> D) The mercenary [20:59] <&Hebizuka> E) The survivalist [20:59] <&Hebizuka> F) The magnificent bastard [20:59] <&Hebizuka> G) The iron fist authority figure [20:59] <&Hebizuka> H) The free-spirited avenger [20:59] <&Hebizuka> I) The psycho [21:00] <DSP> Uh well sniping is for pussies, and I'm no psycho. [21:01] <&Hebizuka> So which one is it? [21:01] <DSP> Fucking magnificent bastard. [21:01] <&Hebizuka> *muttered* Yeah I agree. [21:01] <DSP> Huh, what was that? [21:01] <&Hebizuka> Oh, nothing, nothing. [21:02] <DSP> Broken sound? [21:04] <&Hebizuka> Loudspeaker's kinda old, bear with me. [21:04] <DSP> Your mother's old! Hahahahaha! [21:04] <&Hebizuka> *Groan of annoyance* [21:09] <&Hebizuka> Question 2: If you could change your lifestyle and stick forever to it, what would you pick? [21:09] <&Hebizuka> A) Living in a ranch in Texas, with a wife/husband, a dog, a pick-up truck with the gun rack, and a barbecue every weekend [21:09] <&Hebizuka> B) Moving to the jungles in Africa and becoming the friend of gorillas and chimpanzees [21:09] <&Hebizuka> C) Getting a flamboyant house near a French beach and enjoy the beach view every day of the year [21:09] <&Hebizuka> D) Become a Greenpeace member and endlessly fight for nature's sake (even though she asked you for nothing) [21:09] <&Hebizuka> E) Become the owner of your very own brand of beer, and have it known as the "most hardcore beer" in the world [21:09] <&Hebizuka> F) Move to Japan and become the owner of a hot springs bath [21:10] <DSP> Gotta be the beer. [21:10] <DSP> Can we hurry this shit up? [21:11] <&Hebizuka> Relax and think of the guns. [21:11] <&Hebizuka> And the beer. [21:11] <&Hebizuka> If you're nicer you might actually get some in your equipment. [21:12] <&Hebizuka> Question 3: The fate of a popular teen idol derided by critics for terrible singing, is in your hands. You... [21:12] <&Hebizuka> A) Think he should be respected as a role model for the future generations [21:12] <&Hebizuka> B) Hang him [21:12] <&Hebizuka> C) Hang and shoot him [21:12] <&Hebizuka> D) Subject him to waterboarding [21:12] <&Hebizuka> E) Force him to wear nothing but a collar, walk on all fours and bark like a dog while following you around [21:12] <DSP> I'll get some with you, if you catch my drift. [21:12] <DSP> Popular teen idol? Pfft easy, fucking Bieber kid can go suck a dick. [21:13] <&Hebizuka> *Though DSP can't see her face, Hebizuka's MFW is one priceless "You didn't just say that".* [21:13] <DSP> D. Then E. Then C. [21:13] <&Hebizuka> I'm taking D as your answer then... [21:13] <DSP> I'll give you a D all right. [21:14] <&Hebizuka> ... [21:14] <&Hebizuka> I swear to fuck... [21:14] <&Hebizuka> Question 4: You have received 500 dollars to spend in any store of your area. You spend it on… [21:14] <&Hebizuka> A) Groceries for the next two months [21:14] <&Hebizuka> B) Spend it on designer clothes and finally look wear as rich and secure as you always wished to be [21:14] <&Hebizuka> C) That latest-generation workout machine to spend two-thirds of your time training on [21:14] <&Hebizuka> D) Wal-Mart ammunition and an extra rifle for plinking in your backyard [21:14] <&Hebizuka> E) That small store with the hard rock music and the very cool selection of biker accessories [21:14] <&Hebizuka> F) The perfect cosplay outfit of your favorite anime character [21:14] <&Hebizuka> G) Food, supplies, shotgun ammunition, a guide on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, and anxiolytics to overcome paranoia [21:15] <DSP> b [21:15] <&Hebizuka> I'd have bet on it... [21:15] <&Hebizuka> *ahem* [21:15] <DSP> Huh, you say something? [21:17] <&Hebizuka> Question 5: If you could choose only song genre to listen to for those long trips on the highway, it would be... [21:17] <&Hebizuka> A) Classic and/or driving rock, or something equivalent you'd listen on the go, so every highway is Route 66 and every meal is a T-Bone steak [21:17] <&Hebizuka> B) Upbeat, adrenaline-pumping electro house music, because every night is "Outrun cops" night [21:17] <&Hebizuka> C) Fast-paced 1980's hard rock, because every road is like your own personal race track [21:17] <&Hebizuka> D) Old-school 1990's hip-hop, because only true street rats - such as you - know how to keep it real [21:17] <&Hebizuka> E) Classical music, particularly dramatic pieces (Overture 1818, the Soviet national anthem), because these are the only true sounds for you [21:17] <&Hebizuka> F) Marijuana reggae and other kinds of feel-good music, because you don't have to put up with road rage [21:17] <&Hebizuka> G) Chicago house music or some other form of underground club music, because you cultivate an underground attitude [21:17] <&Hebizuka> H) Something nobody has heard of, because you are a hipster [21:17] <DSP> Why would I fucking need to drive? [21:18] <&Hebizuka> Good question. [21:18] <DSP> But C, mixed in with some classic dubstep choons. [21:19] <&Hebizuka> eugh. [21:19] <&Hebizuka> Question 6: When you are faced with a problem or an issue in your day-to-day life, what words describe best the way you deal with it? [21:19] <&Hebizuka> A) Honorably, driven by a code of conduct [21:19] <&Hebizuka> B) Like a boss, awesomely, with style [21:19] <&Hebizuka> C) Righteously, with gallantry [21:19] <&Hebizuka> D) Soldierly, patriotically [21:19] <&Hebizuka> E) Dutifully, selflessly, as a second-nature [21:19] <&Hebizuka> F) Affectionately, compassionately [21:20] <DSP> Tricky. [21:20] <DSP> Fuck F and A, but I'll go with B . [21:23] <&Hebizuka> Question 7: You are stranded on an island, and you can have only one of the following. You pick… [21:23] <&Hebizuka> A) Your loved one [21:23] <&Hebizuka> B) A satellite phone [21:23] <&Hebizuka> C) A survival knife [21:23] <&Hebizuka> D) A guide about exotic plants [21:23] <&Hebizuka> E) A solar-powered radio with a selection of reggae music [21:23] <&Hebizuka> F) Enough fuel to transform the island into a gigantic bonfire [21:26] <DSP> All those things sound fucking useless. [21:26] <DSP> Can I swap the phone for my iPhone? [21:27] <&Hebizuka> It's not gonna be very useful on an island, but... let's consider you choose B [21:27] <DSP> How am I going to survive without candy crush saga? [21:27] <&Hebizuka> ... [21:27] <DSP> Fucking game designers didn't think any of this through. [21:27] <DSP> I can barely hear you even. [21:28] * &Hebizuka cranks the volume up excessively. [21:28] <&Hebizuka> DOES THAT SOUND BETTER?*creaaaaak* [21:28] * &Hebizuka returns volume to where it was. [21:28] <&Hebizuka> Question 8: We are in the 17th century, and you're well-known among pirates and corsairs for… [21:28] <&Hebizuka> A) Your bone-chilling smile of gold and silver [21:28] <&Hebizuka> B) Your large hands covered in bracelets (which are very good at choking) [21:28] <&Hebizuka> C) Your two flintlock pistols, symbol of a very early lineage of cowboys and dual-wielding psychos [21:28] <&Hebizuka> D) Your galleon called "The Island Crusher" [21:28] <&Hebizuka> E) Your enormous cannon you nicknamed "Mama" [21:28] <&Hebizuka> F) Your immense wealth and fleet of successful merchant ships [21:28] <DSP> Holy fuck toots, you sound hot. But no that's fucking broken. [21:28] <&Hebizuka> Too much for you. Anyways, let's finish this test.. [21:29] <DSP> What the fuck is a corsair? [21:29] <DSP> My computer has one of those in. [21:29] <DSP> Uh let's go pot-luck with C because flintlocks are fucking boss. [21:30] <&Hebizuka> Question 9: Which of those vehicles reflect best your tastes? [21:30] <&Hebizuka> A) The expensive, high-performance sports car [21:30] <&Hebizuka> B) The ultra comfortable luxury sedan [21:30] <&Hebizuka> C) The family-oriented minivan with 7 seats [21:30] <&Hebizuka> D) The ultra-powerful, ultra-maniable sports bike [21:30] <&Hebizuka> E) The riced-up import car with a paintjob customized according to your tastes [21:30] <&Hebizuka> F) The ambulance (or another form of rescue vehicle) [21:30] <&Hebizuka> G) The limousine with personal chauffeur [21:30] <DSP> Don't you ever fucking listen? Why would I need to drive, with all these online deliveries? [21:31] <&Hebizuka> Read the answers again. [21:31] <DSP> But A. Obviously. Shit it's like you barely even know me. [21:31] <&Hebizuka> I indeed barely know who you are. [21:31] <DSP> Wow, don't you ever go on line? [21:31] <&Hebizuka> I mean aside from the fact that I know your name and I watched you die, which put this way, is slightly creepier than it should be, but... [21:31] <DSP> You know, on the interwebs? [21:31] <DSP> ... Uh okay this game is creepy. [21:33] <&Hebizuka> Question 10: It's your birthday and you received a mystery gift. You open it and find... [21:33] <&Hebizuka> A) An unexpected but actually very useful and practical item which you end up using every day [21:33] <&Hebizuka> B) Something that happens to be an item you've always wanted - and you suspect the senders knew exactly what you wanted [21:33] <&Hebizuka> C) A basket full of food and comfortable clothes of your size [21:33] <&Hebizuka> D) Appropriate clothes for a cosplay or a disguise of your favorite fictional character [21:33] <&Hebizuka> E) A wad of cash (or equivalent currency) [21:33] <&Hebizuka> F) The war relics of that ancestor in your family who fought during a war generations ago [21:34] <DSP> B, but obviously that isn't here. [21:34] <&Hebizuka> Do you like beer? [21:34] <DSP> Duh. [21:34] <&Hebizuka> Thought so. [21:35] <&Hebizuka> Question 11: Friends come ringing at your door at 10 PM, they want you to join them at a party, but you had other plans. You finally decide to… [21:35] <&Hebizuka> A) Go to this party; might be some hot chicks/boys to check out [21:35] <&Hebizuka> B) Go to this party and buy everyone drinks; to be the king/queen of the night! [21:35] <&Hebizuka> C) Tell them to get lost; you never go to parties anyway [21:35] <&Hebizuka> D) Don't answer and lock yourself up at home; the computer is your friend [21:35] <&Hebizuka> E) Tell them you'll join them later yourself, then go to the party with a shotgun; That'll teach them to respect YOUR plans [21:35] <&Hebizuka> F) Greet your friends with your shotgun and threaten to shoot them if they don't leave; It could be a trap from the CIA! [21:37] <DSP> Why fucking not? A. [21:37] <DSP> I'm not buying drinks though. Fuck that. [21:37] <&Hebizuka> So you're into boys? Didn't know. [21:37] <DSP> ... Fuck that, I'm no queer. [21:38] <&Hebizuka> All right... [21:38] <&Hebizuka> I'm sending an engineer in your room to give you your stuff. [21:38] <DSP> Holy shit why are cutscenes always so SLOWWW. [21:39] * DSP is tapping his foot impatiently. [21:39] <&Hebizuka> *Shortly afterwards, a particularly bored-looking engineer enters. She pushes a cart with four crates on it.* [21:39] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] Are you the "Phillip Burnell" guy?... [21:40] <DSP> What is it to you? [21:40] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] All this stuff's yours. Including this letter. http://pastebin.com/X2Fy6uEH [21:41] <DSP> Listen, hey, do you have any plans later? [21:41] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] *headtilt. Still bored expression.* What [21:42] <DSP> You're pretty. Fancy a drink? [21:43] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] Sorry, naked guy. I've tried seven relationships with men before, half of which ended in them dying, the other half couldn't stand the fact that I have a dick between the legs. I doubt you're any better. [21:43] <~SU_Tempest> *She turns heels, and walks out of the room.* [21:43] * DSP swings round, smacks her ass before she makes it through. [21:44] * ~SU_Tempest turns around and lifts a fist in the air menacingly. [21:44] <~SU_Tempest> (Oh wait ignore that line.) [21:44] <DSP> Eyy, you know you want it. What's in the crates? [21:44] <~SU_Tempest> (Wow I sounded like an SJW in the wild!) [21:44] <~SU_Tempest> *THE ENGIE turns around and lifts a fist in the air menacingly.* [21:44] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] Do that again, and you'll find out why some of my exes died. [21:45] <DSP> Feisty, huh? [21:45] <~SU_Tempest> [Engie] Jerk. [21:45] <~SU_Tempest> *The engineer walks -quickly- out of the room.* [21:45] * DSP reac- fails. [21:45] <DSP> Well shit. [21:45] <&Hebizuka> =Crate 1: Clothing= [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Backpack] RM22SF LBE - Capacity 35 units - Ammo pouch (10 units) - Value 400 P$ (<= Automatically equipped) [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Headgear - Fedora - AC Light - Blunt-resistant - Classy - Weight: 5 - [Cond: 1.15/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Top - Tuxedo with shirt (Upper body, Arms) - AC Light - Blunt-resistant - Classy - Weight: 5 - [Cond: 0.82/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Bottom - Tuxedo trousers (Lower body, Legs, Crotch) - AC Light - Blunt-resistant - Weight: 3 - [Cond: 2.97/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Footwear - Leather shoes - AC Light - Blunt-resistant - Classy - Weight: 9 - [Cond: 2.80/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Body addon - Stab-proof vest (Upper body) - AC Hardskin - Blunt-PROOF, Sharp-PROOF, Piercing-resistant - Half melee damage - Weight: 5 - [Cond: 2.15/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Arms addon - Armored elbow pads (Elbows only) - AC Kevlar-2 - Blunt-PROOF, Sharp-PROOF, Piercing-PROOF - Weight: 5 - [Cond: 2.47/4] [21:45] <&Hebizuka> [Clothing] Legs addon - Armored knee pads (Knees only) - AC Kevlar-2 - Blunt-PROOF, Sharp-PROOF, Piercing-PROOF - Weight: 5 - [Cond: 1.58/4] [21:45] <DSP> Ey. Speaker lady? How do I open this door? [21:46] <&Hebizuka> By wrapping your gluteus maximus around the handle and pushing very hard. [/sarcastic] [21:47] <DSP> NO HABLO ESPANYOL [21:47] <DSP> DO YOU SPEEK THE ENGLISH? [21:47] <DSP> Fucking broken game. [21:47] <&Hebizuka> ... maricon. [21:47] * &Hebizuka smirks. But this, DSP won't be able to see it either. [21:49] <&Hebizuka> *Choose the clothing and armor you wish to wear. The RM22SF vest is considered to be automatically worn.* [21:50] <DSP> Fucking poof-tier clothing here, I bet that quiz thing is broken-as-fuck too. [21:50] <DSP> Let's see. [21:51] * DSP opens up the letter, begins trying to read. [21:51] <DSP> .. As if that fucking intro wasn't long enough. Yadda yadda... [21:52] * DSP scrunches the letter into a small ball and throws it behind him, turning to the crates. [21:53] <&Hebizuka> *The majority of those clothes look like they've seen better days. All those under 2 units of condition look tattered. [21:54] * DSP pulls out what appears to be uh ... Hm, no fuck this, fuck this too - Is this a fucking Tuxedo? [21:54] <DSP> Well I guess I can stop off and buy some clothes later, this'll do for now. [21:55] <DSP> No underwear- Wait I'm naked? [21:55] <DSP> Talk about realism [21:55] <&Hebizuka> It only took you this long to realize you were naked? [21:55] <DSP> N-no. I knew. [21:56] <&Hebizuka> mmmhm. [21:56] <DSP> Reacting seemed pretty stupid, because I'm obviously well endowed. [21:56] <DSP> I don't know if you've got video footage lady, but I'm betting you're enjoying the view. [21:56] * &Hebizuka cuts off the microphone to burst into laughter. [21:56] <DSP> You know that this is also broken, right? [21:56] * &Hebizuka turns it on again. "Yes, yes, I've been watching the whole time." [21:56] <DSP> There's no underwear here. [21:57] <&Hebizuka> Well, you'll do without, Mr. Phil. Surely this won't stop your "endowment", will it? [21:57] <DSP> You're right, I don't think they make underwear in my size. I think my mother had them made to order. [21:58] <&Hebizuka> In any case, pick your clothes. [21:58] <DSP> Tuxedo, and the Fedora I guess? [21:58] <DSP> It's not like you gave me any choice. Fuck. [21:58] <&Hebizuka> I'm assuming you're taking the pants too. [21:58] <DSP> Either that or this weird police vest. [21:59] <&Hebizuka> Trust me, you perhaps want it over your tux. [21:59] <&Hebizuka> Otherwise you're gonna complain you didn't have armor. [21:59] <DSP> Why would I need armor? [21:59] <&Hebizuka> Think for a little bit. [21:59] <&Hebizuka> *Assuming the following are being worn: Fedora, Tux with shirt, Tux trousers, Leather shoes* [22:00] * DSP struggles to get those things on. [22:00] * DSP still struggling. Manages to break the fly of the trousers. _Somehow_. [22:01] <DSP> Fuck. [22:01] * DSP rifles through the crate and pulls the 'police vest' back out, somehow managing to tangle it and feed his head through the arm-hole. [22:02] <&Hebizuka> That's not how you put it on. [22:02] <DSP> Shut up, asshole. [22:02] <&Hebizuka> Watch your language.. [22:03] * DSP somehow manages to get the vest on. [22:03] <DSP> What are these things? [22:03] * DSP lifting up the pads by their straps, letting them dangle. [22:03] <DSP> Hockey pads? [22:04] <&Hebizuka> Tactical pads. [22:04] <DSP> oh, is that why they're in black? [22:05] <&Hebizuka> Haha. Yes, actually. [22:05] <DSP> Yeah I knew it. [22:07] <&Hebizuka> Gonna put them on? [22:08] * DSP manages to get these on with relative ease. "Yeah, I've played hockey before in school. I was apparently too good for the team, so they asked me to stop dropping by practices". [22:09] * DSP the knee-guards too. [22:09] <&Hebizuka> *Elbow pads and knee pads worn.* [22:09] <&Hebizuka> =Crate 2: Weapons= [22:09] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon] Class 1 - Benelli Nova shotgun | 12 gauge - Pump-action | No accessory | Internal tube, 5 rounds, +1 | Weight: 14 - [4+1/5, 5x Buck] - Cond: Fair / Clns: Clean [22:09] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon] Class 3 - Ruger Vaquero | .357 Magnum - Single-action | No accessory | Cylinder, 6 rounds | Weight: 3 - [6/6, 6x FMJ] - Cond: Good / Clns: Clean [22:09] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon] Class 5 Short: Kizlyar DV-2 knife - Sharp/Piercing. Weight: 3 [22:09] * DSP looks around the first crate some more. [22:09] <DSP> Where's my mask? [22:10] <&Hebizuka> Law enforcement officers don't need masks, doe. [22:10] <DSP> The fuck you on about? [22:10] <&Hebizuka> And you're not playing hockey. [22:10] <&Hebizuka> Yes, it's police equipment. [22:12] * DSP picks up the Ruger. [22:12] <DSP> Ah, a Desert Eagle, I'm pretty good with these babies. [22:12] <DSP> This is mine, you say? [22:12] <&Hebizuka> *The Vaquero is in good condition. It looks like it's been recently cleaned.* [22:13] <&Hebizuka> It's.. a Ruger Vaquero. [22:13] <&Hebizuka> And yes, it's yours. [22:13] <DSP> Fuck. I was hoping to get one in black. [22:16] <&Hebizuka> *Rather interestingly, the Vaquero's grips are black, and the frame and barrel finish are dark colored, but not exactly black.* [22:17] <DSP> A Ruger Vaquero Desert Eagle? Sounds fancy. [22:17] <DSP> Fuck though, what am I supposed to do with this piddly knife? [22:17] <DSP> Can I reroll this shit to get an assault rifle? [22:17] <&Hebizuka> Did you miss the shotgun? [22:17] <DSP> I mean this shotty is pretty nice I guess [22:17] <DSP> But fuck, how am I supposed to play without an assault weapon? [22:17] * &Hebizuka sighhhhh [22:17] <DSP> This isn't a fucking NES game [22:18] <&Hebizuka> You can easily find weapons later, yknow... [22:19] <DSP> Eh. [22:19] <DSP> I'll take the knife too I guess. [22:19] <&Hebizuka> *Assuming you are equipping all three weapons.* [22:19] <DSP> At this rate I'll probably need it to get around some bug. [22:24] <&Hebizuka> All right... [22:24] <&Hebizuka> =Crate 3: Ammo= [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Ammunition] 12 gauge, buckshot, 50 rounds - Weight 1 [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Ammunition] 12 gauge, slug, 20 rounds - Weight 1 [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Ammunition] 12 gauge, flechette, 10 rounds - Weight 0.5 [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Ammunition] .357 Magnum, FMJ, 30 rounds - Weight 0.6 [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon accessory] Magazine: .357 Magnum/.38 Special cartridge holder, 6 rounds - Weight 0.5+0.12 (0.62) - [6/6, 6x .357 FMJ] [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon accessory] Magazine: .357 Magnum/.38 Special cartridge holder, 6 rounds - Weight 0.5+0.12 (0.62) - [6/6, 6x .357 FMJ] [22:24] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon accessory] Magazine: .357 Magnum/.38 Special cartridge holder, 6 rounds - Weight 0.5+0.12 (0.62) - [6/6, 6x .357 FMJ] [22:35] <DSP> What the fuck is all this? [22:35] <&Hebizuka> Ammunition. [22:36] <DSP> ... Right yeah, I knew that. [22:36] <DSP> Alright so this is ammunition for my dessert eagle? [22:36] <DSP> And .. these are for my shotgun? [22:36] <&Hebizuka> Mhmm. [22:45] * DSP pulls out the Nova and attempts to force a 12 gauge flechette round down its barrel. The wrong way around. _Such idiocy, clap._ [22:46] <&Hebizuka> *That's the right way to load that shell.* [22:47] <&Hebizuka> Um... It's plastic end first, not brass end first. [22:47] * DSP ... for some reason, he's actually holding it with his finger on the trigger, business end pointed right _at his forehead_. [22:47] <&Hebizuka> Uh, Phil. PHIL. [22:47] <&Hebizuka> YOUR FINGER. [22:47] <DSP> Yes? [22:47] <&Hebizuka> Don't shoot yourself. [22:47] <DSP> You- What? [22:47] <&Hebizuka> The muzzle is POINTED TOWARDS YOUR HEAD. [22:47] <DSP> Shut up, asshole. [22:48] <&Hebizuka> ... [22:48] <DSP> It's definitely brass end first. [22:48] <DSP> I've seen this on call of duty, and I'm pretty sure those guys knew what they were doing. [22:48] <&Hebizuka> Even on Call of Duty, they don't point it at their own faces! [22:48] <DSP> ... Er shit, good point [22:49] <&Hebizuka> Geez, you're a danger for yourself. [22:49] * DSP hastily handles like a hot potato, letting it ... fall. [22:49] <DSP> Alright, how do I load my .. desert eagle magnum, was it?? [22:49] <&Hebizuka> *The Nova falls on the floor. Thankfully it's tough (Benelli design!).* [22:49] <&Hebizuka> Your revolver is already loaded. [22:49] <&Hebizuka> So is the shotgun, by the way. [22:49] <DSP> Oh. [22:49] <DSP> .. Oh. [22:50] <DSP> I knew that. Just testing. [22:50] <DSP> Y'know how these broken games are. [22:51] <&Hebizuka> Mmmmhm. [22:51] * DSP stuffs as much as he can into that backpack ... which ... come to think of it, _he can't actually recall putting on_. [22:51] <&Hebizuka> (for the sake of fun we will suggest he put it on without even thinking about it.) [22:52] * DSP | "Broken fucking game..." he inaudibly mutters to himself. [22:53] <&Hebizuka> Anyway, what will you do with all of that ammo? Surely you don't want to leave it behind. [22:53] <DSP> Er, lady I'm trying to fit it in here. [22:53] <&Hebizuka> See all those nifty pouches in the front of your vest? [22:53] <&Hebizuka> That's where you put the ammo in. [22:53] * DSP still hasn't figured out that taking it off might make things a _little_ easier. [22:54] <&Hebizuka> But I bet you knew that. [22:54] <DSP> Y-yeah. I knew that. [22:54] <DSP> I was saving them, but I guess I might as well. [22:55] * DSP scoops up the loose rounds, mixes them up like some kind of .. Oh, _right_. [22:56] <&Hebizuka> *All 12 gauge shells and .357 Magnum rounds spared in the ammo pouch.* [22:58] <DSP> Fuck it's sweaty in this thing. [23:00] <&Hebizuka> [Weight] Ammo pouch 4.6/10 [23:00] <&Hebizuka> There's more ammo on the nifty leather holders, too. Don't forget picking these up. [23:01] <DSP> Those things, really? [23:01] <DSP> Man I can see why Call of Duty and Battlefield outsold this thing. [23:01] * DSP grabby [23:03] <&Hebizuka> [Weight] Ammo pouch 6.46/10 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> =Crate 4: Consumables= [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Food] Beverage - Bottle of absinthe. 4d7 - Inebriation +14d6 per portion [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Food] Beverage - Bottle of beer. 3d6 - Inebriation +4d6 per portion [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] Blood Transfusion Kit (BTK) - Removes 5 units from the bleeding counter - Weight: 1 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] First aid kit (FAK) - Heals damaged limbs, up to 7 HP. Cannot heal disabled limbs. - Weight: 1 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] First aid kit (FAK) - Heals damaged limbs, up to 7 HP. Cannot heal disabled limbs. - Weight: 1 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] Field Surgery Kit (FSK) - Heals one damaged or disabled limb, up to 15 HP. - Weight: 1 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Food] Fast-food - Box of nuggets (6). 6d4 [23:06] <&Hebizuka> [Food] Fast-food - Box of nuggets (6). 6d4 [23:07] <DSP> Oh fucking finally, some good stuff. [23:08] <&Hebizuka> Take what you need. [23:10] * DSP | "Oh, now this stuff actually looks useful. I'm taking all of it for sure ... Except what's this stuff?" he says, gesturing to the first aid, field surgery and transfusion kits. [23:11] <&Hebizuka> Medical supplies. In the event you get shot, you might want this stuff to help put yourself back together. [23:11] <&Hebizuka> Automatic regeneration does not exist in real life. [23:12] <DSP> Don't I get a fucking doctor? .. Or a respawn, or something. [23:13] <&Hebizuka> Apparently someone didn't tell you that death is permanent. [23:13] <&Hebizuka> It's so realistic that when you're hurt, you will feel the pain for real. [23:13] <DSP> Yeah, yeah, death. But respawns. [23:13] <&Hebizuka> And if you die... You die for real. [23:13] <&Hebizuka> No respawns. No extra lives. No nothing. *Ominous voice.* [23:14] <&Hebizuka> Just yourself, plenty of guns, meds, and hopefully enough wits to stay alive. [23:15] <DSP> I... see... [23:15] <DSP> Well shit this can't be as bad as that fucking MGS3 ordeal. [23:15] <DSP> You aren't as shitty as Kojima, I thik [23:15] <&Hebizuka> All I can tell you is I won't force you to eat snakes. [23:15] <&Hebizuka> So... There's that. [23:15] <DSP> Snakes are pretty gross. Fucking disgusting animals. [23:16] <&Hebizuka> Well fuck y-... ahem. Erm. Yes. You don't want to eat the poor snakes. [23:16] <&Hebizuka> Yeah. [23:16] <&Hebizuka> Totally. *Audibly flustered* [23:17] <DSP> Well we'll see. I hear they're quite nice when buttered up and lightly heated. [23:17] <&Hebizuka> *Take all of the consumables?* [23:17] <DSP> ye [23:20] <&Hebizuka> [Weight] 8/35 [23:20] <&Hebizuka> Well, you should be all set now. [23:20] <&Hebizuka> *Welcome to the Mazes, DSP. Type !mrooms3 to begin, then select a door.* [23:22] <DSP> alright.. [23:22] <DSP> !mrooms3 [23:22] <&Hebizuka> [ DSP ] Left door: 4532 - Front door: 4512 - Right door: 6209 - Roomstyle: 235 - Enemy strength: 3 /6 [23:24] * DSP saunters up to the first door, pus- pul- ... push- .... no pull?- pu- ... ... struggling with it, managing to get it open, before going through and letting it shut behind him. [23:26] <&Hebizuka> *A radio room. There is a radio receptor (@radio to turn on) you can fiddle with. You spot a blueprint abandoned on the floor...* [23:27] <DSP> The fuck?... [23:28] * DSP moves towards the blueprint, picks it up and examines. [23:28] <&Hebizuka> [Crafting] (Blueprint) "Level 1, CLnade, 1x CL-20 charge + 1x MkIIIA2 grenade" [23:28] <DSP> Eh?.. [23:28] <DSP> Some kind of poster? [23:28] <DSP> Looks pretty technical, that's for sure. [23:30] * DSP carelessly drops it back down, before walking over to the radio. He fiddles with the knob, turning it on, admittedly pretty _hard_ to accomplish. [23:31] <&Hebizuka> @radio [23:31] <MazeBot> [Orchestral/Epic] Exigence 89.7 with DJ Lancelot Warren - http://bit.ly/1bgj2o8 [23:31] <&Hebizuka> *The radio station loops an ad about how it's not open yet, due to the lack of a playlist.* [23:31] <DSP> Wow, even the fucking radios are broken. [23:32] <&Hebizuka> [Radio] Tune in later, folks. We at Exigence 89.7 will only open up when we have a playlist ready. We are the exigeant folks, after all. [23:32] <&Hebizuka> *What will you do now?* [23:34] * DSP looks around. [23:35] <&Hebizuka> *There isn't much else. There are shelves, mostly covered in dust, and the room hasn't been used in a while.* [23:36] * DSP exits the room. :< [23:41] <DSP> !mrooms3 [23:41] <&Hebizuka> [ DSP ] Left door: 4623 - Front door: 861 - Right door: 2595 - Roomstyle: 17 - Enemy strength: 2 /6 [23:41] * DSP | .. through the front door. [23:44] <&Hebizuka> *A regular, featureless room. There, you spot an accessory on the floor, as well as a Maze Guard. She is carrying an assault rifle.* [23:46] * DSP waves at the guard. "Hey, I'm a little lost." [23:46] <~SU_Tempest> [MzGuard] Ah, what can I do for you, sir? [23:47] <DSP> Some crazy guy was telling me about some kind of amulets and an exit for me to get my TV back? [23:47] <DSP> I'm a little dazed, honestly. I think I got a fucking sugar rush from all those cheetos or something. [23:48] <~SU_Tempest> [MzGuard] Amulets? TV?... [23:48] <~SU_Tempest> [MzGuard] I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Have you been robbed? [23:48] * DSP nonchalantly takes a closer look at the guard. Specifically at her chest. [23:51] <&Hebizuka> *An old, malay female. She is short, of average build, athletic, with long brown hair, red eyes, a pair of glasses, and a scar across the left eye. She seems to not have much in the way of breasts; nothing larger than A-cups.* [23:51] <~SU_Tempest> [MzGuard] *Stares.* My eyes are up here. [23:56] <DSP> Say, you're pretty cute. How'd you like to rack _my_ weapon? [23:58] <~SU_Tempest> [MzGuard] Sir, I'm going to ask you to leave right now. You are committing verbal abuse, and I can easily write sexual abuse on the ticket. [23:59] <~SU_Tempest> *She nervously taps her assault rifle, and instinctively lets one hand go near her handcuffs.* [00:01] <DSP> Alright, alright, calm down, calm down. [00:01] * DSP mutters "fucking prude". [00:01] <DSP> !mrooms3 [00:01] <&Hebizuka> [ DSP ] Left door: 4696 - Front door: 4758 - Right door: 6376 - Roomstyle: 372 - Enemy strength: 4 /6 [00:01] * DSP ... .... uh DSP heads towards for the front door again. [00:03] <&Hebizuka> *An empty pharmacy, which probably used to be the workplace of a medic, in the past. There are meds on the desk, otherwise empty. You also spot a weapon in the corner.* [00:06] * DSP doesn't see the weapon, so instead approaches the counter and examines the fuck out of dem pills. [00:06] <&Hebizuka> *There is only one pill, perhaps to your displeasure.* [00:06] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] Blue pill - Unidentified - Weight 0.1 [00:25] <DSP> Blue pill, huh? [00:25] * DSP eats. [00:25] <&Hebizuka> @roll 2d6 [00:25] <MazeBot> Hebizuka: 3 [00:25] * DSP actually chews the capsule. Yes, he _chews_ a magic capsule. [00:26] * DSP turns, checking his surroundings out. [00:26] * DSP notices something in the corner of the room, and strides towards it, kneeling down and checking it. [00:26] <&Hebizuka> *You feel your alertness is increasing. Your vision sharpens; you feel more accurate. You also have increased libido and a hard-on. What EXACTLY did you just swallow?* [00:28] <&Hebizuka> [Weapon] Class 1 - Armalite AR-18 assault rifle | 5.56x45mm NATO - Semi/Full | No accessory | AR-18 20-round mag, +1 | Weight: 22 - [19+1/20, 20x FMJ] - Cond: Good / Clns: Clean [00:28] * DSP ... so no change on the surface then. [00:28] * DSP senses that the AR-18 is something worth keeping, and takes it. [00:30] <&Hebizuka> *Replace your Nova, or keep as a spare weapon?* [00:33] <DSP> Keep. [00:36] <&Hebizuka> *This weighs down a fair bit on your vest.* [00:36] <&Hebizuka> [Weight] 30/35 [00:39] <DSP> !mrooms3 [00:39] <&Hebizuka> [ DSP ] Left door: 2495 - Front door: 1061 - Right door: 2860 - Roomstyle: 91 - Enemy strength: 2 /6 [00:39] * DSP stands up, pushes towards the .. Right room. [00:42] <&Hebizuka> *It was amphetamines you swallowed, and the effects it had on your body are pretty simple: chemicals make hard-on, hard-on make DSP think of pretty 2D girls, pretty 2D girls make DSP start wanking the hell out of his questionable appendage.* [00:43] <&Hebizuka> *One disgusting moment later...* [00:43] * DSP [vomiting internally] [00:43] <&Hebizuka> [Damage] Potency: 85% [-15] [00:44] <&Hebizuka> *The ordeal done with, you make it into a storage room, with plenty of containers, most of which empty or sparsed with the occasional useless garbage paper. You spot an object on the floor...* [00:45] * DSP not quite thinking straight stumbles towards the aforementioned object. Makes it, though, and he picks it up to look at it. [00:46] <&Hebizuka> [Meds] Vial - Unidentified - Weight 0.1 [00:46] <&Hebizuka> *More unknown meds.* [00:46] <DSP> Huuh the fuck... [00:47] * DSP being in his current mindset .. whatever .. whatever that might be, feels it might be a good idea to ingest this too. Nom. [00:50] <&Hebizuka> *You feel as though your stomach is being weighted down. You weren't hungry, but now you're even less. You feel your increased libido is going to last even -longer-, and so will your increased alertness. And on the topic of sensitivity, you feel more fragile and less resistant to blows.* [00:53] <&Hebizuka> *And that hard-on that just refuses to go away. If you weren't DSP, you'd call it embarrassing.* [00:54] <&Hebizuka> Checkout [00:54] <&Hebizuka> 4 R - 0 K - 0 SE - 0 M - 0 A - 0 $ - 0 Runs [00:54] <&Hebizuka> Progress today: [00:54] <&Hebizuka> +4 rooms [00:55] <&Hebizuka> No combat stats advancement. [00:55] <&Hebizuka> No new awards. [00:55] <&Hebizuka> Total score: 4 points [00:55] <&Hebizuka> Leaderboards position: 62nd